Joe Swanson Quotes (1 - 8 out of 9)
Joe Swanson is Spooner St's able bodied cop. He may be in a wheel chair but that doesn't stop him from being the most bad ass cop in Quahog.
Peter: Hey hey I got an idea. Lets play "I Never." You got to drink if you did the thing that the person says they never did.
Cleveland: Oh I got one, I never slept with a women with the lights on.
(They all drink.)
Joe: I'll go next, uh I never had sex with Cleveland's wife.
(Quagmire and Cleveland drink.)
Peter: alright lets see uh, I never did a chick in a Logan airport bathroom.
(Only Quagmire drinks.)
****About 33 drinks later****
Peter: God lets see what else is there um...I never gave a reach-around to a spider monkey while reciting the Pledge of Alligence.
Quagmire: Oh God.
(Quagmire takes a drink.)
Joe: I uh I never picked up an illegal alien at Home Depot to take home a choke me while I touch myself.
Quagmire: Oh come on!
(Quagmire drinks again.)
Peter: I never did the same thing except with someone from Joann Fabrics.
Quagmire: Oh God this is ridiculous. You guys suck! (Drinks more and passes out.)
Quote Rating:
9.5 outta 10 (Over 2278 votes)
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(Joe falls out of his chair and is about to fall farther into the sewer when Lois catches him.)
Lois: I can't hold on much longer!
Joe: Lois, pretend I'm one of your children!
(Joe starts to slip)
Joe: Not Meg!
(Lois pulls Joe to safety)
Quote Rating:
9.2 outta 10 (Over 271 votes)
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Joe: Maybe Peter took the trophy, he wanted it all along.
Peter: I couldn't have taken it, I was too busy breakin' into Joe's garage stealin' his ladder so I could steal the trophy tonight!
Lois: Peter!
Peter: What? It's a ladder, he can't use it. It's like takin' a watch off a dead guy.
Quote Rating:
8.8 outta 10 (Over 139 votes)
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Joe: So, what can I do for you Peter?
Peter: Well Joe, I need to talk to you about something kind of personal.
Joe: Shoot.
Peter: Well, you know, I took this test and, uh, it sorta turns out that I'm technically mentally retarded. And, um, i just wanted to ask, ya know, how do you deal with it?
Joe: Deal with what?
Peter: You know, with being retarded.
Joe: Peter, I'm not retarded, I'm handicapped.
Peter: Oh, well now your just splitting hairs.
Quote Rating:
8.7 outta 10 (Over 233 votes)
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Cleveland: I must say, I do feel a strange satisfation watchin' the black ball topple all those self-righteous white pins.
Joe: Can't blame 'em for being self-righteous, the black ball's in their neighborhood uninvited.
Cleveland: The black ball's done nothing wrong.
Joe: If the black ball's innocent it has nothing to fear.
Quote Rating:
8.6 outta 10 (Over 231 votes)
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(Peter, Joe, Cleveland and Quagmire are stranded in the ocean after a hurricane.)
Joe: AHHHHHHHHHH!!! Peter! You've been eating my legs??
Peter: Yeah see, now this is why I didn't say anything. I knew you were going to get like this.
Quote Rating:
8.3 outta 10 (Over 437 votes)
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(Peter crashes the Hinden-Peter)
Peter: Oh my God, Joe. I am so sorry!
Joe: How can you afford these things??
Quote Rating:
8.0 outta 10 (Over 421 votes)
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Joe: What's wrong Peter?
Peter: (Sighs) It's nothing Joe, it's I don't know, it's just that all you guys have something to be proud of; Quagmire got a key to the city, Mort bowled a perfect game, you're always getting medals for catching crooks, hell even Cleveland used to be an accomplished auctioneer.
(Flashback)
Cleveland: (Talking fast) I have 125, do I hear 130? one-hundred thirty thousand for this authentic Comensia headress, I got 130, I got 130, Do I hear 135, One-Fort....(Gets hit in head with totem, then his voice slows down) One..Thirty..five goin' once.
Quote Rating:
7.6 outta 10 (Over 158 votes)
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