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Glen Quagmire Quotes (1 - 8 out of 42)

A fan of the ladies, Quagmire is Spooner St's resident perv. Quagmire has an unhealthy obsession with Lois, feet, and underage women. Giggity giggity.

Peter: Hey hey I got an idea. Lets play "I Never." You got to drink if you did the thing that the person says they never did.
Cleveland: Oh I got one, I never slept with a women with the lights on.
(They all drink.)
Joe: I'll go next, uh I never had sex with Cleveland's wife.
(Quagmire and Cleveland drink.)
Peter: alright lets see uh, I never did a chick in a Logan airport bathroom.
(Only Quagmire drinks.)
****About 33 drinks later****
Peter: God lets see what else is there um...I never gave a reach-around to a spider monkey while reciting the Pledge of Alligence.
Quagmire: Oh God.
(Quagmire takes a drink.)
Joe: I uh I never picked up an illegal alien at Home Depot to take home a choke me while I touch myself.
Quagmire: Oh come on!
(Quagmire drinks again.)
Peter: I never did the same thing except with someone from Joann Fabrics.
Quagmire: Oh God this is ridiculous. You guys suck! (Drinks more and passes out.)
Quote Rating: 9.5 outta 10 (Over 2278 votes) - Vote Now!

Auctioner: Our first item is a pair of panties confiscated from a prostitute.
Quagmire: Fifty bucks.
Auctioner: She had nine STDs.
Quagmire: Forty-five bucks.
Auctioner: And when we caught her she wet herself.
Quagmire: Fifty bucks.
Quote Rating: 9.4 outta 10 (Over 2035 votes) - Vote Now!

Quagmire: Hey there sweetie, how old are you?
Connie: 16.
Quagmire: 18? You're first.
Connie: Mom!
Quagmire: I like where this is goin'! Giggidy, giggidy, gig-gi-dy!
Quote Rating: 9.4 outta 10 (Over 1453 votes) - Vote Now!

[Quagmire sees a cheerleader tied up in a bathroom stall]
Quagmire: Dear diary: Jackpot.
Quote Rating: 9.4 outta 10 (Over 1877 votes) - Vote Now!

Glen Quagmire: Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah, it's caught in the window this time.
Quote Rating: 9.4 outta 10 (Over 1342 votes) - Vote Now!

Brain: Ugh, I can't beileve you're serving a three year sentance, it seems so harsh.
Lois: Well, the only upside is that it's given me time to think about why I ended up in here. I guess I was stealin' because I was so sick of the same old routine. I felt like I had a void in my life, like, like, there was a secret hole in me...
Quagmire: Oh God!
Lois:...and I was tryin' to fill that hole with all kinds of expensive objects, and things...
Quagmire: Oh God!!!
Lois: ...and I felt wonderful with all those things fillin' that hole.
Quagmire: Oh God!!!!!!
Lois: I did this to myself, so I'm just gonna have to lay back and let the penal system teach me a lesson.
Quagmire: That one is also sexual.
Quote Rating: 9.4 outta 10 (Over 535 votes) - Vote Now!

Quagmire (running through mall and accidentally into the camera room): Where am I, am I dead?
Security Guard: No, this is where we monitor all the dressing rooms in the mall so we can keep an eye out for shoplifters.
(Woman on Monitor has heart attack)
Quagmire: Oh my God! That one's having a heart attack! (Runs to womans dressing room.)
Quagmire: (Rubs womans chest and breathes in her mouth. Woman becomes conscious.)
Woman#2: That was amazing!
Woman#3: You saved her life!
Woman#4: Thank God you know CPR!
Quagmire: What the hell is CPR?
Quote Rating: 9.4 outta 10 (Over 492 votes) - Vote Now!

Social worker: "Glen honey, I got a question for you. What do you do for a living?
Quagmire: "I got a question for you. Why are you still here?"
Quote Rating: 9.3 outta 10 (Over 420 votes) - Vote Now!

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