General Quotes (25 - 32 out of 257)
Just because it doesn't fit into a specific category doesn't mean that it isn't funny.
Stewie (talking on Sesame Street phone): Put me through to the Pentagon!
Ernie: Do you know what sound a cow makes?
Stewie: Don't toy with me Ernie! I've already dispacted Mr. Hooper, I've got 6 armed men stationed out side Big Bird's nest, and well as for Linda, well, its rather difficult for a deaf woman to hear an assasin approach now, isn't it?!
Ernie: Can you count to three?
Stewie: Oh indeed I can! (Pulls out a raygun.) One! Two! Three! Can I count to three for God's sake?! I'm already shooting at a fifth grade level!
Quote Rating:
9.3 outta 10 (Over 157 votes)
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Peter: A guy at work bought a car out of the paper. Ten years later, Bam! Herpes.
Quote Rating:
9.2 outta 10 (Over 481 votes)
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Tom: And now to our weatherman Ollie Williams for the Blackie-Weather Forecast, Ollie?
Olie: IT'S RAININ' SIDEWAYS!
Tom: Don't you have an umbrella?
Olie: USED TO!
Tom: Where is it now?
Olie: INSIDE OUT TWO MILES AWAY!
Tom: Is there anything we can do for you?
Olie: BRING ME SOME SOUP!
Tom: What kind?
Olie: CHUNKY!
Tom: Thanks, Ollie. Up next, a pig that refuses to eat Jews. After this.
Quote Rating:
9.2 outta 10 (Over 957 votes)
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(Stewie covering up the dead body of Mr. Lockhart by hiding in his blood-covered suit as a police officer drives up.)
Officer: Everything alright here?
Stewie: Oh fine officer, just enjoying the sunset. No law against that, is there?
Officer: What happened to your shirt?
Stewie: Oh you know, just a pizza party at the office.
Officer: Oh yeah, where do you work?
Stewie: First Fidelity Insurance over on Weybossett Street.
Officer: Oh my cousin Arnie works over there.
Stewie: Oh Arnie's your cousin is he?
Officer: You know him?
Stewie: Oh somewhat, good middle management type. Just sort of blends in with the furniture, though, never really wowed anyone at the office.
Officer: Yeah, that's always been Arnie's problem. Well, take it easy.
Stewie: Yes yes, you too. Oh and if you see Arnie, tell him 'boogity boogity boo.' He'll know what it means.
Quote Rating:
9.2 outta 10 (Over 303 votes)
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Peter: Lois, um, go get the medical dictionary and look up "fork" and "lung."
Lois: Why?
Peter: Time is a factor, Lois.
Quote Rating:
9.2 outta 10 (Over 508 votes)
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Stewie: You know what else is disgusting? (He farts and his right eye turns red.) Oh damn, I broke a blood vessel.
Quote Rating:
9.2 outta 10 (Over 487 votes)
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Gym Teacher: Most of the time, the kids play out in the field, but if its raining or I'm hungover, they stay inside and play dodgeball.
Peter: Aw I love dodgeball, Heads up! (Throws ball at man)
Home Ec Teacher: This week in home ec, we're teaching your kids how to make bundt cakes.
Peter: Aw I love bundt cakes, Heads up! (Throws a bundt cake at man)
Band Teacher: The school band offers a variety of instruments from the kettle drum to the trombone.
Peter: Aw I love the trombone! (Man is bracing himself)
(Peter does a trombone solo)
(Applause)
Peter: Heads up! (Throws trombone at man)
Quote Rating:
9.2 outta 10 (Over 265 votes)
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Meg: Finally, look Mom I've had it. I'm not babysitting anymore. It's Saturday night I could be out having a life.
Lois: Meg, if you don't wanna babysit anymore that's fine, but don't you stand there and lie to me.
Peter: OH-HO Meg, she torched your ass man! She torched your ass.
Quote Rating:
9.2 outta 10 (Over 311 votes)
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