Sexual Quotes (1 - 8 out of 64)

Often based on the promiscuity of Quagmire, sexual situations arise often throughout The Family Guy. We're talking about absurd, always hysterical sexual situations.

Peter (when he's hungover): This sucks worse than that time I went to that museum. (Flashback to childhood, standing in museum looking at dinosaur
skeltons.)
Peter (as a child): Why did all the dinosaurs die out?
Man at Museum: Because you touch yourself at night.
Quote Rating: 9.4 outta 10 (Over 1332 votes) - Vote Now!

Chris: Dad, what's the blow-hole for?
Peter: I'll tell you what it's not for, son. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to Sea World.
Quote Rating: 9.4 outta 10 (Over 502 votes) - Vote Now!

Brain: Ugh, I can't beileve you're serving a three year sentance, it seems so harsh.
Lois: Well, the only upside is that it's given me time to think about why I ended up in here. I guess I was stealin' because I was so sick of the same old routine. I felt like I had a void in my life, like, like, there was a secret hole in me...
Quagmire: Oh God!
Lois:...and I was tryin' to fill that hole with all kinds of expensive objects, and things...
Quagmire: Oh God!!!
Lois: ...and I felt wonderful with all those things fillin' that hole.
Quagmire: Oh God!!!!!!
Lois: I did this to myself, so I'm just gonna have to lay back and let the penal system teach me a lesson.
Quagmire: That one is also sexual.
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Stewie: Uh you've reached stewie and brian, we're not here right now, uh and if this is mom, uh send money because we're college students and we need money for books...and highlighters...and.... ramen noodles...and condoms, for sexual relations with our classmates.
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Quagmire (running through mall and accidentally into the camera room): Where am I, am I dead?
Security Guard: No, this is where we monitor all the dressing rooms in the mall so we can keep an eye out for shoplifters.
(Woman on Monitor has heart attack)
Quagmire: Oh my God! That one's having a heart attack! (Runs to womans dressing room.)
Quagmire: (Rubs womans chest and breathes in her mouth. Woman becomes conscious.)
Woman#2: That was amazing!
Woman#3: You saved her life!
Woman#4: Thank God you know CPR!
Quagmire: What the hell is CPR?
Quote Rating: 9.4 outta 10 (Over 492 votes) - Vote Now!

Social worker: "Glen honey, I got a question for you. What do you do for a living?
Quagmire: "I got a question for you. Why are you still here?"
Quote Rating: 9.3 outta 10 (Over 420 votes) - Vote Now!

Quagmire: Fat chicks need love too...they just have to PAY!
Quote Rating: 9.3 outta 10 (Over 414 votes) - Vote Now!

Quagmire (with a trashy girl on his arm): Hang around little guy, I'll be back later (he winks).
Stewie: Oh very well. I suppose I'll go and pump the chemical toilet. (Eyes the trashy girl.) apparently, you're about to do the same.
Quote Rating: 9.2 outta 10 (Over 77 votes) - Vote Now!